I am happier with who I am than ever before. Sure things are not perfect (whatever that means). I could do with another zero or two on my bank balance. But my life is generally great.
I keep attracting amazing people into my life. I know more now than ever before what I want to share in the world. Even if it is not fully formed just yet. I’m learning and evolving all of the time and I hope becoming a better person in the process.
And then….sometimes…I just think…F**K THIS! I just don’t have a clue what my purpose or point is. It does not seem to be that I am here to raise a family or even be a partner of another human right now. So that conventional life has passed me by for the time being. Though I love people…I love to bring people together. I love to empower others. I love to share what I can. I love to help others when I can. To inspire, where possible…I hope I do.
And yet my heart yearns for connection….for a deep, profound connection. With another being. And its eludes me…and I’m totally flummoxed as to why! I don’t think I’m too mental. I’m fairly nice to look at, I look after myself. I’m funny. I’m fun. I love adventure. Travel. To dance. To live! Am I missing something? Am I missing the point? Is there just this missing piece of myself that I’m yet to find that needs to slot into place before the Universe goes…’OK Sophie. You got it! Your ready. Here you go…heres your soulmate. Enjoy!!!’
And then I realise….’The Soulmate’…they are not the thing. I’m the thing! I’m the one! It sounds like a cliche but its actually true.
A few years ago around 2012-13…I ‘left myself’ in a number of ways. I treated myself badly. My body, my heart. Let myself be with people who did not deserve me. I thought loving me was someone elses job. I could maintain the status quo ( just about) but the valuing, loving and caring thing. That was for someone else to worry about. And in return…I would value, love and care for them. Like an exchange….you love me and I’ll love you back. You leave me however….well…f**k you very much!!!
And when the shit hit the fan in a rather big way,(as it does when we put our precious happiness in the hands of another). I tried to run away…from myself…but that’s just not possible…no matter how far you run, you will always be there. Bruised and broken, needing love and support. From the only one who can really give it….from ourselves. But I didn’t realise. I didn’t know…but I did work it out eventually.
And so, only in the last few years. I have begun to care for me. Do what serves me. What I need. I have done this in a number of ways……
Through beginning to truly respect my body as a divine instrument (well it is!). I no longer entertain the ‘ones’ who want to take what they want from me for their own purposes, if it doesn’t serve me first and foremost (and I’m not just talking about romantic relationships…but any relationships that are abusive or toxic). As a result…I attract more and more amazing people into my life all the time. And the ones who are takers or I’m not aligned with?….well I clock them way sooner!.
I put myself in peoples company whom I love. Those relationships that are nurturing. That feed my soul, that inspire me. Some relationships have gone by the wayside…and thats ok.
I do what feels good in and for my body. I move as much as I can, yoga and dance are my tools for processing and expressing. But I try to keep it light if I can. Its easy to abuse yourself with a yoga practice and I have done so many times. But I hope I’ve given that up now.
I track my menstrual cycle and do what my body asks me to do at certain times of the month. Ie I rest as much as possible day 1-2 of my cycle. It makes a huge difference to my energy levels. I don’t feel guilty at all when I do it…I look forward to it. I don’t dread my periods anymore, I treat my cycle as a gift. A blessing. A tool to check in with how I am throughout the month.
I put myself in nature as much as possible. Ideally in the sea! I love the water…I’m not much of a swimmer but the feeling of being and immersing myself in the water is healing. I live by the sea now and I think I will always want to from now on.
I eat as well as I can, feed my body with good stuff…and if I don’t….I don’t give myself a hard time about it.
I’m as good a person as I can be….and if I slip up…get judgy or bitchy…I hope I notice sharpish…and if I don’t, well, I try not to judge myself too harshly either. I do my best.
Im getting out there and sharing what I’m passionate about more and more.Sharing my journey. Being brave and stepping up more. Knowing and believing I do have something worthwhile to share with others.
This is still a journey of course…I’m still very much on the road. I am though…enjoying travelling with myself more and more now.